‘The Bachelorette’: Luke P. tells Hannah he’s falling in love in shocking early confession – USA TODAY

Now that “Game of Thrones” is over, it’s time to focus our full attention on the real fantastical, epic quest for power that is “The Bachelorette.” We’re kidding. But are we?

“The Bachelorette” returns this week with the drama we know and love (or love to hate). What we learn is that two key villains have already emerged, whether Hannah knows it or not. We also confirm that many of these men look good without much clothing on. Television!

For this season’s first group date, Hannah opted to give a group of guys (Grant, Luke S., Mike, Jed, Jonathan, John Paul Jones, Dylan and Luke P.) a look at her pageant world: “I’m looking for my Mr. Right,” the date card reads.

I can’t help falling in love with you. (Or can I?)

But what does that mean exactly? Drag queens, honey. Alyssa Edwards and Alaska, both of “RuPaul’s Drag Race” fame, and Miss J of “America’s Next Top Model,” arrive to judge these men in a “Mr. Right” pageant. The men need to don Speedos and prepare a skill for the talent portion of the event. If we can be honest here, “The Bachelorette” would be better served doing “Drag Race”-style showdowns more often.

Hannah (obviously) doesn’t care how talented these guys are, but wants to suss out personality and who is going to step up.

And who does? Mike 100% embraces the Speedo (“Team Magic Mike,” quips Alaska) and Jed wears his with cowboy boots, surely fulfilling someone’s fantasy. 

As for the talent portion: John Paul Jones rides a unicycle because, of course, and Jed croons “I’ll be your Mr. Right, girl” on the guitar and successfully goes into falsetto. Please check the pulse of your nearest “Bachelorette” fan.

Grant says that when Jed came out with the guitar, “it was all over.”

But not so fast: When it’s Luke P.’s turn for the talent portion, he just … pours his (genuine?) heart out. “I’m genuinely starting to fall in love with you,” he declares(!) then goes up to Hannah at the judges’ table and kisses her(!!). He wins Mr. Right (does the “p” in Luke P. stand for predictable?) but the rose is still up for grabs.

Hannah tells Luke P. she wants him to be sure when he says something like that, and he doubles down. She’s glad he told her: “I asked for bold and you’re bold.”

The other guys are skeptical about Luke P.’s intentions, and Mike confronts him about it. “I’m just letting you guys know, it’s in my personality. If I want something, like, I’m going to go and get it,” Luke P. says. We’ve got ourselves a villain!

Hannah tells Jed he looked “dang good” in his Speedo and that his talent was amazing. They kiss. Hannah says Jed calms her in a way that she likes, and adds that Luke P. takes her breath a bit. We may already have a possible finale on our hands.

The group date rose ultimately goes to … Jed! Yee-haw!

All in the name of mud

Tyler G., who Hannah compares to a hotter Tim Tebow (which, sure), snags the first one-on-one date. The pair go up in a helicopter and later ride ATVs over mud, getting very dirty. (Only in the literal sense.)

“I have mud in places that mud should never be,” Hannah says. Only on “The Bachelorette” could the two cuddle after this, with dried mud on their clothes yet somehow still-perfect hair.

Hannah reflects on her own one-on-one with Colton during last season’s “Bachelor,” and talks about how she shut down a lot and how much “Hannah” she wanted to show him. Tyler says he’s trying his best to be real.

Tyler tries to get to know her and asks what she wants to do in this life, though Hannah is short on details. (She’s always wanted to have a family, be a mom, wants to have own career, etc.) The date is a snooze-fest but he gets the rose anyway.

They see me rollin’, they hatin’

Devin, Matteo, Daron, Connor J., Kevin, Dustin, Tyler C., Joey, Peter and Garrett get the next group date, leaving several guys (including first rose of the season-winner Cam) without a date this week.

The men on this date are going to play roller derby. Much like on the pageant group date, Hannah is looking for people who exude joy whether they’re awesome or they suck.

Most of them suck. Connor J., for his part, sits down and gets some extra attention from Hannah (not unlike JoJo attending to Wells a few years back). Dustin ends up hurting himself, and he and Hannah later have a sweet moment reflecting on it. It pays off for Dustin, who wins this group date rose. It should be noted the MVP for skill level on this date is Daron.

Elsewhere, Peter opens up to Hannah, telling her relationships have been on the back burner as he’s focused on his career, but that he’s a hopeless romantic. Don’t count out this pilot landing Hannah’s heart (sorry, yuck) without a fight.

Plus: Villain No. 2 of the episode appears, and his name is Cam − excuse me, ABC, Always Be Cam. The producers are obviously trying to annoy the audience by including his little mantra all the time. It’s working.

Cam crashes the group date, rose in hand(!), and interrupts Hannah and Devin. Several guys confront him about it afterward, but his shtick isn’t going away anytime soon.

Who’s going home?

It seems like Hannah is going to cancel the cocktail party when she starts tearing up while addressing the men, but she’s apparently just overwhelmed with emotion. (As she would put it, same.)

Cam the Crasher strikes again, this time interrupting Hannah’s time with Kevin with a weird chicken nugget ceremony.

Luke P. the Predictable massages Hannah during his time, and says “you’ll learn I’m really good with my hands.” OK, buddy. Hannah tells him he can take off his shirt so she can massage him, and who walks in a short time later but an evidently heartbroken Jed!

But don’t worry, Jannah fans (is it too soon to ‘ship?): Hannah and Jed ultimately laugh off what could’ve been a more uncomfortable situation. 

So, who gets the remaining roses tonight? Tyler C., Garrett, Devin,  Connor S., Luke P., Dylan, Luke S., Mike, Peter, Kevin, Jonathan, Joey, Matteo, John Paul Jones, Grant and Cam.

Who was sent home? Connor J., Daron and Matthew.

After the rose ceremony, Luke P. pays Hannah a quick visit. She sits in his lap and they talk some more. “I don’t want you to have any fear in this with me,” he tells her. “You can trust me.” 

Famous last words, sir. Famous. Last. Words.

Look, who among us hasn’t fallen for man candy? But Hannah, watch your back.

In case you missed the premiere: ‘The Bachelorette’: Star Hannah Brown begins her unconventional journey; 8 men sent home

ABC must have loved this: ‘Bachelorette’ Hannah Brown defends franchise on ‘Live’ after Kelly Ripa called it ‘gross’

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